Our mock anesthesia board exam was today, and I passed both the IA and PSA. Had to attempt the PSA twice, but that was fairly common in the class. It felt good to sit down and confidently pass my first injection (the IA) on my first attempt!

More good news came when I FINALLY received my financial aid award package notification! It took awhile, but it's finally coming through.

I've changed my plans (surprise, surprise) and will not be going to Sacramento this upcoming weekend after all for the National Dental Hygiene Review Seminar. I was feeling a bit under pressure last week, and determined it would have been more unnecessary stress put on me, the girls and my support team. So, perhaps a vacation will come after graduation.

I think a nice Disney cruise ship sounds fun!

Registering for Board Exams

I am officially registered for two of the four board examinations I am to take prior to actually being able to apply for licensure as a Registered Dental Hygienist after graduation. Yikes. The first one, the written National board will be taken during Spring Break, and the others will be mid-May. Ready or not, here they come.

On Monday, is our "Mock" Anesthesia Board where we will go through a simulated practice exam to prepare us for the real thing. I find it amusing. We will be tested on two injections, and in the last year, I have only administered each of these two injections ONCE each! I have the best test patient though; she is a friend who graduated from the program last year. So, she's been through the test as a student, as as a patient multiple times. SHE is confident I will do fine. Fortunately, I've been feeling pretty relaxed over school. As school seems to be the EASY component of my life right now. If I fail, either in the big scheme of life it doesn't REALLY matter that much, or maybe I'll be able to do it again another time. Either way, no big deal. On Monday though, I will sit down with my friend and pretend I have done it a hundred times before and see if I can fool my examiners (who are really my instructors who are fully aware of my 'lack' of recent practice).

Moving on, tomorrow ends week five of the term which means I'll be half way through the term already. I had a midterm on Monday and looked ahead to the list of assignments and due dates for the rest of the term and felt the anxiety build for the first time. The stress got the best of me for a short while, but I am looking at it as one assignment, one requirement, one clinic session, and one day at a time. I will get through it (Lord willing!)

I couldn't be doing it without the unconditional support of my dependable family and friends -- and my faith in the Lord. These challenges of life sure have put a new perspective on life and brought me such humbleness.

This morning there was a beautiful bright pink sunrise. It was a sunrise similar to ones I had seen many times before coming up over the mountains more than a year ago. I used to look at those sunrises wondering if they were just as spectacular on the other side in Black Butte where dear husband was working in the frigid cold. Thinking about both of us looking at the same sunrise made me feel close to him even though he was so far away. I had a similar feeling this morning, although this time, he was on a different side of that sunrise watching over me from above, and not working in the frigid cold.

Dental Hygiene School ... Patients Needed!

As me and the girls sat down for dinner Sunday evening, Addison said, "Somebody is missing. It's my dad. Are you sad, Mom? I can give you a hug." I think she is coming to expect my tears to flow at dinner time. The first few times I broke down at the table, both girls looked at me very concerned and confused. Now, little Miss Addison beats me to the punch, comforting me before I have a chance to shed my first tear.

I cannot begin to understand God's will or plan for me, or why Joel is not here on earth with us anymore. But, I trust it has something to do with raising these two little angels. Addison tells me she is going to be a doctor when she grows up, calling herself "Dr. Addison Wagner." (I am entertained by the last name change, as her allergy specialist's name is Dr. Wagner.) I thought maybe she'd be led to become a neuro-oncologist, and go on to someday tell Dr. Neuwelt a thing or two about brain cancer.

However, recently she explained to me she was going to become a dentist. "They're doctors too," she added. Such a little smarty. I told her if she did, then maybe someday I would work for her and then (and only then) could she finally get to be the boss of ME. (This stems from me asking her, "Who's in charge? Who's the boss here? and her quickly replying, "I'm the boss of my babies," with a little saunter of the hips.)

Anyhow, I am half way through my fourth week of the term, and it is going fine so far. Child care is working out perfectly, studying is good, and my patients have been showing up on time as scheduled. The bulk of my course load this term is actual patient treatment, and I have been easing my way back into it. I'm picking up speed, getting back into the flow of it, and gearing up to start seeing more periodontally involved patients.

I don't believe many people understand that when I am at school, I am actually in a dental clinic and providing dental hygiene services to patients with limited access to care. I do complete periodontal assessments, intra/extra oral examinations, take full mouth set of exams, perform prophys and non-surgical periodontal therapy (scaling and root planing) with hand and ultrasonic instruments, administer local anesthesia, educate patients on periodontal disease and proper oral hygiene skills, and provide nutritional and tobacco cessation counseling. There is a lot to it. When you attend dental hygiene school and pass all the state and national clinical and written examinations (and jump through a bunch of other hoops), you are prepared to enter the work force once licensure has been granted (and an employment opportunity presents itself!

At this point in our program, my fellow students and I are searching for 'perfect board patients' or 'sub-test patients'. These are patients who may have not been to the dentist in at least a few years for a cleaning. Yet, not all people develop the amount or type of calculus subgingivally we are looking for. (For example, I brought one of Joel's friends down to Albany expecting him to be perfect for me because he had said it had been maybe 15 years since a cleaning - and well, his teeth are in really good condition with barely any calculus deposits). Finding that perfect patient is probably the most stressful aspect of the program, and taking the clinical boards.

So, here's my advertisement:

For only $40, you can get a dental exam, four bite wing x-rays, complete perio-assessment, and the BEST cleaning of your life done by me -- no matter how involved it may be. In the real world, having only one quadrant of your dentition scaled and root planed can cost around $200 (this doesn't include the exam or radiographs). It's an incredible opportunity. A full mouth set of x-rays will be necessary and that will cost another $25. It will also cost you some time... A lot of time really: travel time to either Albany or Eugene with three and a half hour appointments. Sounds scary I know, but a good portion of that time is waiting for an instructor or the dentist to check what we have done before we are allowed to go on. This insures we are doing everything correctly and absolutely thoroughly.

Interested... send me a message at joel.angie.bauer@gmail.com.

The photo, by the way, was taken in the clinic at Lane Community College near the end of my first year while pregnant with dear Vivia.

Yay! I got his truck back!!

So, apparently, when you go shopping for a car on a holiday (MLK day), car dealerships will 'sell' you a car even if they do not have financing secured. And, apparently, when your house payment has been in default since August, your credit score falls 200 points, which means you cannot get financed. Therefore, let's just say I took a 2007 Dodge Caravan out for a three day test drive. I was happy to drive Joel's truck back home and have it in the driveway. Now, I just need to shampoo the car some more and implement a NO milk rule!

I'm not a soccer mom, I'm a SURFING mom.

For over a year now, my 2005 Ford Focus wagon had been having an issue with the gas pedal sticking. Being that I had been a bit distracted I ignored it. However, the sticking had become more frequent, and I became more uneasy with it. I made an appointment to have the repair shop look at it today, and learned the warranty we had on the car expired about 2000 miles ago, of course. So, while they ran the diagnostic check on the car to come up with the estimate for my out-of-pocket expenses for the repairs, I browsed the used minivans.

Usually, car shopping would have been an exciting adventure for me. Today, however, it was another trip down memory lane. I had returned to the same dealership Joel and I had purchased the Ford from. He had located and decided upon the car, and I was about to get rid of it. I also was about to get rid of his Nissan Frontier pickup truck. It was another bitter sweet experience.

I ultimately made the decision to go for it. I got fair trade-in values for both vehicles, and I'm going to have the same monthly payment as we had on the Ford. Of course, there's a bit of a down payment, but to have a safer vehicle for me and the girls, I believe it's worth it. (And I would have needed to spend almost half that amount on repairs.) This was the first car shopping experience I had ever had completely on my own. Before signing the papers though, I took a bit of a walk outside to pray about it. I expected to get knots in my stomach, a lump in my throat and hear Joel screaming at me, "Don't do it," but instead, it felt right. So, I went inside and signed the papers. When I walked back outside to look at the dark blue 2007 Dodge Caravan I had just bought, I saw above it a bold and beautiful rainbow. I took it as though both God and Joel were smiling down upon me saying, "Good choice!"

I cried as I handed over the keys to his truck and drove away from it (but cared less about leaving that spoiled milk smelling, 5-speed manual transmission Ford!). Amazing how it seems so hard to let go of some things, but not others.

Weeks One and Two are Through

The first two weeks of Winter term have passed, which means only 21 more weeks until graduation (including Spring Break)! There is a lot to accomplish between now and then. I'm off to a good start though. The first week back, I was doing evaluations, assisting our dentist, and even administered three anesthesia injections (my favor part!). Week two ended with me completing my first patient treatment session. I was fortunate to have the daughter of one of Joel's friends come down to be my patient (or lab rat as she referred to herself). She was the first person that wasn't a complete stranger to brave being my patient! It was awesome! As for the didactic part of the courses, I have been more easily able to study in the evenings with the girls routinely in bed and asleep by 7:30 p.m. I remember terms past where it didn't seem to be until after 9:00 p.m. when I would open the books. This has been nice.

A few days ago, I registered to attend an National Dental Hygiene Review session in Sacramento in February. I am flying down with and will be rooming with four other ladies from the Linn-Benton campus who have very kindly accepted me into their group. Three days of non-stop studying should help me prepare to take the written exam over Spring Break, or perhaps early April. (I haven't scheduled that date yet but will be soon!) The other state written and clinical exams will be taken towards the end of May. It will be nice to have all of those done so once graduation day comes, I'll truly be finished with this chapter. Lord willing!

Graciously, child care for the girls is going wonderfully. Between Grandma Sally Davies, and our new Grammy/Mamoo Vickie Brandt, the girls are well loved and I worry not when I am away. Aunt Martha has helped too, which also is great. Addison continues to attend the Community Action Head Start for preschool, and loves it. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such loving, supportive and encouraging people.

Not a day goes by when my heart doesn't ache for Joel. I miss him terribly, and rather than the pain easing, some days it seems horribly worse - so much my body aches and lips tremble when I cry. This month has brought the beginning of the "this time last year" memories, and as I continue to move forward with life, there is a huge void without him here to be with me and the girls. We worked so hard together to get me to where I am at with school. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I so wish he could be here with me still to keep cheering me on, and to reap the benefits of me succeeding. He was so amazing.

I went to Salem Alliance church service this morning and sat upstairs in the balcony. I raised my hands and sang, "He is exalted," feeling the presence of God, and reaching up as though it would make me be that much more closer to heaven... that much closer to God, and to my Joel. I think about heaven a lot these days and wonder what it truly is like. Is there really an ocean with the perfect temperature, current and swell, for Joel to surf? And in between his sessions, a hammock hanging from two palm trees for him to take naps in the warm sunshine? I like to think so.

I also like to think about the moment I join him there. When I was pregnant with Addison, Joel spontaneously went with two friends on a surfing road trip. Their destination was San Onfre, California. Before he left, I stood outside crying and lecturing the friends about keeping him safe, and getting him back to me. The embrace we had at the airport when he flew home is exactly like the one I dream we will experience again in heaven. He was tan, refreshed, and smiling from ear to ear. He hugged and kissed me so sincerely and passionately. Although he loved surfing, he loved coming home to me more. Now, I cannot wait to go home to be with him.

Good Riddance 2010. Come on 2011!

2010 is over, and I am glad. It was a long, emotional and extremely challenging year. Going into 2010, a friend of mine encouraged me, “This will be the hardest year of your life. Just keep going; you’re doing great!” She was referring to finishing dental hygiene school with a new baby, Addison, and Joel working out of town. The commute to Eugene from West Salem was wearing on me and I didn’t have any idea how I was going to make it through another five months to graduation – and pass my boards. We soon realized she was absolutely right; 2010 was going to be the hardest year of my life, but much worse than we ever could have imagined.

On January 3, 2010, Joel, Addison, Vivia and I went to Addison’s favorite park. We had gone there many times over the summer and she always excitedly told him about it afterwards. Joel wanted to see this park with swings, a crooked house, a big slide, a little slide, squirrels to chase, and of course, a statute of a cat climbing on a cow. Most people know this park as Bush Park. To Addison it has always been “The Cat and the Cow Park.” The sun was shining and the air was crisp, but not too cold for a trip to the park, and we had a very pleasant afternoon.

Later that evening, we took the girls over to Roger and Nancy’s house so that Joel and I could go on a long needed date. We had dinner at the Olive Garden, and then went shopping for a new bed. We fell in love with a Comfort-Pedic, and even ordered a king-size to be delivered in a few weeks. It was a great date. We were both really tired, and so what could be better than to try out new mattresses and dream about a good night’s sleep.

I love to think about that day. I let that memory over power the memories of most of the days that have since followed.

But, as the title of this blog says, our story goes on. I’ll write about November and December 2010 someday. For now, I’m focusing on the future.

Tomorrow, Roger and Nancy are heading back to Indio with their fifth wheel to find sunshine and warmth. They will hopefully enjoy some relaxation and comforting fellowship with many of their closest and dearest friends. They came over this evening to give us girls hugs, and I assured them we’ll be okay. I’m in the best hands I could be in – God’s.

On Monday, I am picking up where I left off to finish my dental hygiene degree. I hadn’t thought it was going to be possible this year, but prayers were answered and I’m going back! I am excited, and it feels great to have something to look forward to. Studying, scaling teeth, and taking boards seem like they’ll be a piece of cake compared to the experiences of 2010. Sleepless nights studying, scrambling to have a patient in my chair, counting sub-points, and making check-off lists sounds divine!

Addison will continue going to Head Start preschool four days a week, and Vivia will be taken care of by wonderful friends and family. It will take some great teamwork, but we’re going to get through this next phase of life just fine. Some days may seem chaotic, and I might forget where my girls, but that’s what text messaging is for right?

My girls keep me going. They’re up by seven o’clock in the morning and we start the day watching Curious George on OPB. Addison gets a hot chocolate with whipped cream on top and Vivia gets warm milk. We talk about Joel daily, and Addison is very intuitive when missing him is on my mind, often giving me a hug and saying, “I miss daddy, too” without me even saying anything. Joel is included in Addison’s prayers at bedtime, and Vivia cheerfully says, “Da-Da” and blows his picture kisses as we tell him good-night. It’s the most beautiful sound coming from her mouth, “Da-Da.”